See the Star

There is light inside you, let it shine through.

In the faraway galaxy of Amberia, there lived a little rock named Alexandra. She drifted into space not knowing who she was and it made her feel very sad.

            Ever since she could remember she only had her Lolo Sahar and Lola Orah by her side. Although she felt lonely at times, she was grateful to them for adopting her, for they discovered her when she was only a tiny speck of cosmic dust, drifting in the great universe along with other debris from a neighboring galaxy.

            Lolo Sahar, an old moon that had survived many big bangs in his lifetime, often brought Alexandra along when he orbited around his host planet. Although grandpa moon took great care of her, Alex as she was fondly called often felt empty inside. She would often go under his shadow, hiding her face from the sun.

             One night, he asked her to play with the other baby planets that were traveling with their parents.

            “Why don’t you play with them, Alex?” he encouraged his granddaughter. “You should enjoy playing with children your age,” Lolo Sahar said.

            “Grandpa, I would rather watch the constellations with you,” she said, feeling extremely shy. “I don’t think they will like me,” she sighed.

            “And why is that Alexandria?” Lolo Sahar asked, looking at her with kind eyes.

            “Because I spark sometimes,” she told her grandpa while hiding her face.

            “Oh, Alex, you spark because you have a gift. Not everyone is like you and that makes you special,” he said, hugging her.

            “But I want to be like them,” she said, pointing to the other baby planets that have now formed a circle.

            “Don’t be afraid Alex, go ahead and join them,” he said.

            With her Lolo’s prodding, Alex went out of his shadow to be with them. She also did not want to miss the gathering of the baby planets who once in a while went out of their parent’s protective magnetic fields in order to play. Seeing Alex was alone, they invited her to play.

            She was so excited that light suddenly came out from her.

            “Alexandra, why do you spark?” they asked as they played tag.  They felt afraid of her for they had vegetation and breathed in air while Alex’s skin was rough and broke out. Alex did not understand why fire would suddenly shoot out of her and it embarrassed her so much. It scared the other baby planets and they teased her to hide their fear of what they too could not understand.

            “Odd Alex, so unlike us,” they teased, “She has volcanoes instead of trees. We have life while you have fire. You are not like the rest of us,” they said.

            In tears, Alex flew away from them. Not wanting to disappoint her grandparents, she turned to the nearby asteroids instead in their wanderings for they neither spoke nor felt, just drifted into space, aimless and without dreams.

            She wondered often if she would remain a rock forever. But something inside her burned. It burned quietly that she felt its warmth on cold nights when everyone else was busy with their duties and she had nothing to do but to watch.

            One quiet evening, a light from a distant galaxy suddenly caught her eyes. It glowed a beautiful bright orange and it warmed her heart. She felt like the star knew her. Immediately, she felt a spark light up inside.

            It was as if the distant star was calling to her. She was mesmerized by her light, captivated by her beauty.  For a strange reason it reminded her of someone she had lost a long time ago.

            “Could it be her?” she thought. She was trying to remember when a massive asteroid suddenly blocked her view and she was gone.

            One day when most of the moons were resting, Alex approached her grandfather.

            “Lolo,” she called out to him, “How did I get here?” she asked.

            “Oh Alex, I have told you this story a million times,” replied a grumpy old moon who was roused from his sleep.

            “I know Grandpa but I want to hear it again,” Alex pleaded with eyes so sweet that no parent could refuse. And so Lolo Sahar began to tell her a story.

            “It was a hundred years ago when there was a big explosion in the galaxy not so far away from here and we were told that stars have died. As they exploded, they broke into a thousand pieces but most of their offsprings were swallowed by a black hole. But you my dear were very brave. You traveled a far off distance, refusing to be swallowed by the darkness, with great tenacity you broke out of gravity even though the pull of it was so strong,” he said.

            “You pushed yourself away with all your might. That was when we saw you, Lola Ohar and I, we were traveling close to your galaxy and saw you from afar,” he said gently.  

            “Your grandma gave all that she had to pull you towards us so that you would be safe. Since then, I took you under my gravity and we have been inseparable,” he said, smiling at her.

            “You are special Alexandra, you should remember that,” Lolo Sahar said as he hugged his little girl, sharing with her some of the light he had managed to save during the day.

            When evening came, Alex noticed that light was starting to come out of her again. She was a bit surprised at its intensity but it also made her very happy.

            Lola Ohar had told her before that the light from the dying stars continue to shine even after they are long gone. It reminded her of the light that she saw the day before. “It must be mama,” she thought, tears gathering in her eyes.

            “I will shine brightly for you mama,” Alex said with newfound resolve.   She felt that it was time to embrace her destiny and become who she was meant to be.

            The very next day, Alex talked to her grandparents about her plans.

“I would like to explore what is out there?” she told them. “Would it be okay if I returned to where I came from?”

            Lola Ohar turned her face towards her little one and spoke softly, “Of course my dear,” she said, nodding to her Grandpa who was listening quietly.
            “We always knew you were a star.”

             “I will miss you,” Alex whispered in her grandma’s ear.

            “We will miss you more,” Lola Ohar replied, kissing her burning cheeks.

            “You brought us joy in our old age but we want nothing else than to see you happy.”

            Alex hugged her grandparents tight when it came time to say goodbye. “I will always remember you,” she said.

            “Shine for us bright,” they replied, “You will be our source of light.”

            The passion from within her began to burn once more. “There is a fire inside me that won’t stop burning,” she said as she smiled from the inside.  

            She felt her heart get warmer and warmer and as Alex grew brighter each day, her grandparents brought her to the edge of Amberia and let her go to return to the place of her birth.

            “Welcome home,” the native stars said. “We thought you would never remember who you truly are.”

            Her waiting was now over, a thousand years had swiftly passed by, and finally she was where she was meant to be.  At last, she found where she truly belonged.

            “I am home,” she said as she fully opened her heart and allowed all her brightness to come out.

            Alexandra grew up to become a very beautiful sun. She often directed her light to the galaxy she had left behind.  “Does my happiness reach you?” she thought about her Lolo and Lola as she shone brightly for them.

            Whenever her grandparents saw her warm orange light, they absorbed it joyfully, sharing proudly about her to the nearby planets who were now fully grown.

            “That’s our Alex!” Lola Sahar and Lola Ohar beamed.

            Embarrassed at their previous teasing, her childhood friends started to sing a different tune, “Oh Alex, so different from the rest of us. We have trees, you have fire. Your light gives us life!”

             Their happiness reverberated across the universe and Alex would shine even brighter for them, forgetting the wounds of the past, sharing only her love to the place she once called home.

            It had been so long ago when Alexandra thought she was just a rock without a purpose, drifting in a great endless universe. Little did she know that one day the little rock would grow up to be a star.

***

© Marjorie Duterte, See the Star, Oct. 2012. For orphans everywhere and their loving guardians. Ad majorem Dei gloriam!

At the Beginning...

It's 4 in the morning and I am awake. After about 30 minutes of tossing and turning, thumb twiddling in the dark, I decided to write.

It's been years (ages) since I last went into formal schooling. Today, I kind of miss DLSU. Memories of specific nooks like the College Canteen, the SJ walk, the Liberal Arts and SPS building enter my mind. It feels like a long time ago and it is. There's so much to say that I don't know how to begin and the seconds are ticking on the mobile phone's alarm clock.

But I remember you. I saw you walking hand-in-hand with your girlfriend back then as you were leaving the DLSU main entrance. I remember your smile and your nod, and the few words we ever spoke. I wonder now how you are and if you are married with kids. You were such a sweet guy, with beautiful words for people and I wanted to say I am very happy for you. You deserve to be happy and I wish nothing less than the best for your journey.

The green connection it seems it's getting stronger this year. It's a joy to reconnect with old green-blooded friends after working alongside the blue ones for many years now. I am glad to find out how they are, what stage in life they are in, to get to know them again in a new light. I am blessed because I have this chance, now that I am free to meet up with people, but maybe not for too long...

I joined a class every Tuesdays in Makati and it is going to take up my time, at least for the next four months. It ends late in the evening and I am scared at the repercussions of waking up early the next day. But, I am so excited at this new journey, this new adventure and I am looking forward to it. I hope I will find the time to continue blogging.

I finished the draft of a novella I started writing two years ago. I want to publish it on my own as an e-book and share the proceeds to support GK Libmanan's child and youth development program. They inspired me to write it and there are chapters there that are dedicated to the community. I am currently writing, editing, and formatting this e-book and it is hard work! I realized that book publishing is really a team effort. But I'll try it on my own as a start, I just want to share something that I happily and painfully wrote and hope that it makes someone happy too. I had the millenials in mind when I wrote it and I hope to reach them.

This blog entry seems to be a smorgasbord of thoughts! With no apparent theme!  I woke up and this song was on top of my mind, At the Beginning, from the film Anastasia, I don't really know why! But it is inspiring me to write again. The seeds of a new story are being planted in my mind. I will wait till it grows and hopefully make it bloom. It's very weird that it has to begin with a song! But I've always loved songs and  music is a reliable ally, a good old friend. When I was writing my first novel, I actually made a soundtrack, with different songs from different musicians whose songs inspire me. In a way, this soundtrack also tells a story. Maybe someday, I can share it too.

So here we are, at the beginning again...hopefully, a very beautiful beginning!

My Angel

            He came to me in a dream.

            A man dressed in pure white robe looking at me through kind eyes. He held his hand to me. I reached out to touch his cloak. He was moving too fast. I ran towards him, trying to get closer. But he was gone too soon. “Please wait,” I shouted.

            He flew in a flash, like a ball of white light engulfed in a velvet sky. I cried, “No! Please wait for me.” Blinded by tears, I reached out once more to him and in my hand landed a dazzling white feather, so light, so fragile…

            “Marietta, baby, wake up! You’re having a bad dream.” I heard someone murmur from a distance. Two hands grabbed my shoulders. Suddenly, I felt myself going back.

            I opened my eyes slowly and saw mother staring at me worried sick as she wiped the tears off my eyes. “Huh, oh, mama...” I was trying hard to remember his name. Was it Michael, Gabriel, Raphael…? Oh, it was Mark.

            “Mommy, his name is Mark.”

            “What?” she asked, seemingly bewildered.

            “Grandma said if I prayed every night and asked for the name of my guardian angel, he would grant my wish and let me know. God kept his promise. I know his name is Mark.”

            “Huh, oh right. It’s good to know you’re alright. I thought you were having nightmares again with all those screaming I heard. Come, we have to get ready for school now,” mom remarked, scarcely giving heed to what I said. I don’t know if she heard me. She thought it was just one of my imagined friends. That’s how it is with grown-ups, I thought, they are more concerned with things that can be touched and readily seen. But my angel was real and nothing trivial, I wanted to let her know. I could not see him but I knew he was there.

            And so I got ready for school with these things on my mind, wondering why adults were not in touch with the unknown. But not all, I thought, grandma always listened to what I said, she was always curious about these things. Perhaps she needed a companion, unseen or not, to keep close watch over her while she was living alone. So that, when it was finally time for her to go, someone would take care of her in the other world. But I, I needed someone to take care of me in this world.

            Friday was a busy day at school. Equations filled our heads. There were lots of things to memorize that there was no longer time to think about anything else, much less to ponder upon my dream until it was time for English class. Miss Cruz made us write an essay on the topic, “Who is your best friend?” My seatmate Karen looked at me knowingly and I began to write. I wrote about Mark and how I considered him to be my best friend. I talked about how he was always with me and how he helped me do my homework by giving me inspiration. I handed the essay to our teacher, satisfied with what I have written. It was then that Karen approached me.

            “Hey, Marietta, who is your best friend?” she asked.

            Although I did not want others to know fearing they would not understand, I decided to tell Karen since she was my friend. “It’s Mark,” I whispered.

            “Who is Mark?” she looked at me in wonder.

            “My guardian angel,” I replied.

            “Oh,” she muttered with a look of disappointment in her eyes. She turned her back on me and proceeded to have her lunch. I could not understand why she was hurt. My other classmates were talking about who their best friends were and I heard that Karen had written about me. And I, well, I did not write about her. So I ate alone. Was I insensitive? I asked myself. I thought I was being sincere. She was my friend but Mark was my best friend. She could not understand why I felt this way but I was not in the mood for petty fights and decided to let it pass.

            Ate Belen came to fetch me at school. She asked about how my day went and I told her about our lessons. She offered to help me with my science project. We went to buy some art materials until it was time to walk home.  There were plenty of cars and commuters in the streets. People seemed to be in a hurry to get home. We crossed a busy intersection, Ate Belen held my hand. We were half-way down the road when a sudden gust of wind took away the papers in my folder and sent it flying to the middle of the street. Instinctively, I released Ate Belen’s grip and ran to get them back. They were thrown all over the road, I had a hard time getting them all. Then I heard Ate Belen scream, “Marietta, look out!” I looked to see a car heading towards me, its headlights blinded me. I could not move, I was stunned and frightened still. I prayed and said the name on my mind, Mark! The headlights were getting brighter and brighter until I could see no more. But there was something else about its brightness. The light reminded me so much of something else. When I was finally accepting my plight and could barely hear Ate Belen shouting from a distance, the car screeched to an abrupt halt. My knees melted like marshmallow on campfire and I fell to the ground.

            All I could remember were people rushing to me and asking if I was alright. Ate Belen was crying and hugging me furiously, stroking my hair and crying. I could only nod, for I could not muster the strength to speak. Finally, a huge man dressed in white polo shirt and black pants approached and exclaimed, “Kid, you are lucky. My car almost lost its brakes. But something stopped the car, like there was a strong hand forcing it to stop.”

            “ It’s a miracle,” he said.

            A miracle, I said quietly to myself. When the commotion subsided and the onlookers went on their way, the man offered to take me home. Ate Belen conceded. After all, my legs had turned into jelly and could not hold my body much longer. The man gave his calling card that if any damage was found, we were to contact him anytime. I wanted to tell him my nerves got wrecked but I kept it to myself and bit my lips instead. Finally, we were home. Ate Belen rushed to tell my mother the whole story. The worrier that she was, mother came all over me with her anxious queries.

            “Honey, are you okay? Does anything hurt?” she asked full of concern.

            “Mom, I’m alright. I just feel a little tired and dizzy. I just need to rest.”

            So up my room I went. Lying on my bed I pondered upon the day, about the dream, about Karen and then about the car incident. “It was a miracle,” the thought echoed in my mind.  I remembered the familiar white light, brighter than the headlights. Suddenly it dawned on me, it was Mark all along. He heard my heart’s prayer and came when I needed him the most. Suddenly, I found myself praying, overwhelmed with emotions. I thanked Papa God and my sweet guardian angel for protecting me. I knew I could count on him. Maybe if I told Karen about this, the she would understand. Peace descended upon me and I fell into deep slumber.

            And then he came again just as before. But his face was more vivid. I could see him smiling at me. A face so gentle and kind with eyes as blue as the sea and hair the color of the sand. I asked, “How do I know you are real? How can I make others believe that you are true?” 

            He replied in the sweetest voice you’ll ever hear, “My child, you don’t need to see to believe. You only have to know in your heart that I am real. God has sent me to protect you and I will take care of you until you die. Then, I will take you up there to meet Him. And we will always be there together, forever.  But until then, know that I am always near.”

            Then he went away again as fast as he came. But I did not cry for this time I knew he would always be there.

            I woke up the next morning with a smile upon my face. It was a Saturday morning and there was no school. I decided to visit Karen at her house after I finished cleaning my room. Mother called me to say that grandma arrived and was waiting to see me downstairs. I rushed to get down, slipped on the third step and went tumbling down the stairs.

            Grandma yelled, “Marietta!” And all I could remember was my head bumping into the iron railing.

            Suddenly, I found myself in a beautiful garden filled with roses, daisies, stargazers and all other kinds of beautiful flowers.  Was I dreaming again? I thought. I did not know why I was there. But I was walking alone with a feeling of heaviness in my heart. I felt rather sad.

            And then out of the blue, I saw him and I called out to him, “Mark!” I was delighted to see him there.

            “Why are you here?” he said rather alarmed.

            “What?” confused, I asked.

            “It’s not yet time, I’ll take you back,” he said.

            “But I don’t understand,” I muttered.

            “No more questions, just take my hand,” he said. Suddenly, I felt small in his authority. He commanded respect and I obeyed. Taking his hand which was as soft as a feather, we flew together across space and time. I felt so light, we were flying on air, across city lights that looked like inverted stars. Then I saw the roof of our house and we stopped. He said, “Go back, it’s not yet time.”  Right then and there, I understood what he meant.

            I woke up to find myself in my room, with many faces staring at me. There was mama, Ate Belen, grandma and Karen. They started hugging me one by one and I could only hug in return.

            “You clumsy little girl,” mama said in between sobs, “I love you, baby.”  Karen approached tentatively and apologized for how she had behaved in school. “I am sorry too,” I said.

            “Best friends then? Um, I mean, friends?” she hesitated.

            “Yes, best friends,” I smiled and hugged her tight. When the tears have dried and Karen had gone home, grandma accompanied me in my room. I told her all about my dreams and where I had been when I seemed to have temporarily left.

            “What was he like?” she asked about Mark.

            “Oh grandma, he is the kindest and gentlest being you would ever see. With him, I felt very peaceful and safe,” I said.

            “What is it like out there in the garden?” curious, she asked.

            “Oh, that. It is such a beautiful place that smelled of sweet blossoms. You’ll feel like everything was right in the world. There was beauty all around.”

            “I’d like to get there,” she said softly, looking outside of my window.

I knew why she was asking me all of those questions, for very soon then, it would be her time.

            “Don’t worry grandma, I’ll ask Mark to be with you when you get there so you won’t be lonely.” She smiled at me lovingly and kissed me goodnight.

“You take care of yourself, Marietta,” she said.  She turned the light off my bedside lamp and left me with my thoughts and my dreams. In the darkness, I could see the stars outside the window and was awed at their capacity to light the ends of the earth. I saw my star shining brightly across the sky and I boldly made my wish.

            I reached out for my pillow and something beside it struck me. There it was a dazzling feather as pure and white as snow. I reached out to touch it and looked up again upon my star. I knew right then that my wish had been fulfilled.
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Happy Feast Day, Guardian Angel. Thank you for your love and light in my life.