Love always protects... (1 Cor 13:6-7)
It's about 2:30 am as I am writing this. And it's the second time, I've opened the computer, after about an hour tossing back and forth in my bed in the dark, I finally got up again,finding the courage to write. There is something within me that wants to be let out, some things I've been meaning to say. And if I were to be truly honest, it would probably give someone i know a heart attack.
But I have been good in a way, there are some things i may have done out of character, one would say. but who knows, i am evolving? or it must be the real me hiding away from all my fears...and finally breaking away. Even at this time when my body is tired, my mind is still sane, still alert,still capable of reason even when it cannot stop thinking...you can probably guess my favorite question of all time...
why? things happened the way it had, why things didn't turn out the way we hoped it would, why the things we thought were true and real, were not...or were they, had i just imagined all those things being true...
the past five months have been like a roller coaster ride, though i am not much fond of putting myself in a nauseous place, i enjoyed the peaks and dreaded the lows of the whole journey... the sudden rush of climbing high and the dizzying spell that accompanies the plunge...it's all too surreal...but it happened just the same like a dream that came true but was too short-lived.
dreams like this are good while it lasts however, perhaps i have been holding out for a fake pearl, heaven is wanting to give me the real one if only i would make up my mind.. but like most rides like these, it doesn't last long...it's not meant to last, for one would surely die of too much pressure and tension.
back on land, and after a dizzying spell from january to feb, i can feel my feet again. i feel more stable now. more settled in. although, i must admit,it was hard for me to pull away from the excitement of new experiences,it's like i just had blood transfusion, a new lease on life, a feeling of total freedom.
but now i must content my self to relaxing bus rides to the northern most part of luzon (ilocos) and the southernmost past (the bicol region). i find myself on the road for the couple of months and loving every minute of it especially the sojourn to Mindanao to join the Bayani Challenge and the Higway of Peace (for more stories on the great adventure, please make your presence felt at www.gawadkalinga.org :)
Ah, beautiful Mindanao, if only more people came to see her and overcame their fear, to discover the beauty that she really is. I remember talking to a gk partner from the middle east who remarked, "Ang ganda pala ng Mindanao!" They have been living in the middle east for 20 plus years and they felt safe there despite the bad images that media has managed to conjure up in their minds. This is not to say, that there is no truth in them, but that that, as you may know by now, media tend to focus on the bad things, and forget that despite it's tears and broken dreams, it's still a wonderful world...and that is true for mindanao...it is a beautiful world...one worth discovering.
i remember feeling so exhausted in the bus we were riding on the way to formerly war-torn Wao in Lanao del Sur, and waking up at one point to a beautiful scenery of the greenest hills and stately trees,straight out of a painting, that i thought i might be dreaming...had to blink again to realise it was real...
some things we need look hard again and take time to cherish, in order to truly see...
how beautiful to wake up to something like that every day, and the people of Mindanao do. Sometimes, the hardships of life and the uncertainties can make us forget the beauty that is already there in our midst... failing to appreciate its fullness...that despite the uncertainties in the future some beautiful things will remain (if we take care of them) real beauty that gives us a sense of hope...
i realise i might be speaking too flowery at this point but i know no other way...i remember the ride at the back of a motorcycle in Kitaotao, Bukidnon as we plied a solitary rough road like a scene from a movie, that remains a good memory on my mind... on the sides of the road were trees lined up obediently like soldiers...they were so in order that one thinks they have been deliberately planted on a straight line...it was inspiring to see forests in all their purity.
I find my self writing in lesser and lesser length these days...there are still some things that i don't understand and so many questions left unanswered but I surrender all of these to the heart of God. i want to know now what it was the He was protecting me from...as some doors closed, doors i have chosen to close...but, hey, i see a wide, wide window!
I have too many things to be grateful for to focus on the why's, so many experiences I don't want to take for granted...perfect little moments that has left my life richer no matter how fleeting....
My list this year thus far:
10. Climbing the old Spanish lighthouse at Cape Bojeador in Burgos, Ilocos Norte in the company of friends.
The distant blue (South China Sea) is seen atop climbing 79 steps to the roof...a small beach house can be found on the horizon...the breeze coming in from the south... yes, it's the stuff of poetry. it is simply beautiful. im glad i had my friend julia to share it with. i look forward to seeing your world!
9. Standing alongside huge windmills at Bangui Bay.
The strength of the wind makes even the nearby ocean froth like capuccino. still it remains, a lovely sea, with 15 white giant fans keeping it company on the shore... harnessing nature's brute strength into energy......one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind...in protecting the environment.
8. Playing ala-Survivor at our very own island in Pangasinan's Hundred Islands.
Seeing the nearby island next to ours go down in flames like a distant torch in the night...Ads' Island - hot, do not touch. sleeping uncomfortably in the sand, wondering what the hell did i get myself into? but waking up in the company of good friends makes one feel warm and fuzzy inside...still, shivering incessantly to the cold breeze, only to be comforted by the magic of revolving stars...catching sight of a falling one, making a wish...discovering a fish species that twinkles in the water like a firefly!...groping in the dark to the top of a hill and waking up to a beautiful sunrise. what a blessing.
7. Learning to skate.
Falling down, rising again. Learning to let go. Gliding. Inspiring.
6. Finding the GK village inside a prison compound, Davao city.
Eating breakfast inside the jail, seeing the joy in the inmates lady faces at the breath of fresh air, of new beginnings, of second, and third, and fourth chances...realising that we all make mistakes, we all fail...despite our frailties, our dignity cannot be taken away. should not be treated like animals packed like sardines in a soiled can...gk homes in a prison compound, who would have thought of one? God's grace permeating the darkest of places and letting in the light.
5. Re-Discovering Jingjing.
Meeting my cousin again after 10 years and having a blast, girl talk into th night, swimming in crystal clear Anilao waters, freaking out at the turbulent boat ride...Finding the calm. Looking forward to your wedding in Hawaii, surf's up!
4. Bayani Challenge Build, Kitaotao, Bukidnon.
I found God in a septic tank. Rising early to "fill in the gaps" (fill in the corners of the house we were building with mud) I realised how privileged i am to be able to fill in the gap where i am needed...to be blessed to serve in this way...talking to the kid beneficiaries, seeing happy tears, makes it all worth it.
3. Dancing in the Rain, Malaybalay, Bukdinon.
At the concert, after the heat of the 5-day build, heaven decided to refresh it's heroes...what a nice way to release all the worries and the hurts...In one word, cleansed. it's been a long time since i last bathed in the rain, the last time i was too young. it felt good to be free to be free again. simple joys, i want more of them.
2. Highway of Peace, Wao, Lanao del Sur.
Joining the Caravan for Peace is one great adventure...waking up early into the drizzling rain...seeing many cars joining in coming from as far as Bicol...walking barefoot in the mud, trailblazing the way for peace... what a blessing to witness it. Even though there have been "bumps in the road," some misunderstandings arriving at this point, glad that we continued the journey... peace to me was both personal and universal. you have to consciously choose it...choose to love...choose peace.
1. Sydney WYD,here i come! who knows i might meet the One? the only One! i.e. God. :)
Finally, I can sleep. Till next time. Seize the day. Suck the marrow out of life! Hugs :)
and oh yeah, one more thing.
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.
I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way
than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.
0. Pablo Neruda takes the cake! :)
(poem to be dedicated in the future...)
zzzz....
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