Kissed by Heaven

-30-

I've seen journalists write -30- after their last paragraph, signifying the end of their stories. I wrote 30 a month ago, but it seems as if my life is just starting to unfold.

I have never doubted God's power to make impossible things happen. I realized that I often doubted my self, that I didn't trust my self enough to do the right things. I am too amazed to even begin to believe that I am capable of doing good things, that I do have gifts within that remain untapped and unused. It seems for a long time I have been afraid of being truly myself for fear of scaring people away. As a result, I have kept things inside, afraid of my own light.I have for a long time struggled with feelings of inadequacy,of not being good enough. It's a strange thing to finally discover your true worth and not feel guilty and afraid about it. I will try not to keep the lamp under the bed anymore.

For the first time, I feel things are falling into place, if only I am not too distracted and I could have the courage to do these things I feel called to do. All the pain and tears of the past 30 years are now being left behind and I am beginning to realize its purpose in my life. I can feel God's loving hand lighting up the steps to a better future up ahead. No more fears, no more unnecessary loneliness.

Last week, I had to face my self, my own weaknesses, and my own limitations. Feeling much like I failed someone's expectations of me. With much heartache and anxiety, and lots of tears, I went home so distraught at past 1 in the morning, in a chilly dark night. And yet, there it was above our home, the little dipper shining brightly not so commonly seen in our polluted urban sky.

I realized how true it was, that in the darkest hours, stars shine the brightest. No matter how dark and bleak things appear, some true things remain, there will always be something beautiful to look forward to as to not make one give up. Thank God for giving me hope. And how overwhelming to really feel God's love for you at your darkest moments. A loving Father embraces and picks the broken pieces of your self ever so gently, putting them back together with a love that I cannot even begin to comprehend.

I learned one valuable lesson that weekend, mulling over the things I could have done but didn't, God let me realize that failures do not define who we are. That it is okay to make mistakes and learn from them. I beat myself up for being so fragile and sensitive, and for not being as strong as those whom I admire. But it is how I am made, and I realized that there must be a purpose to it as well.

It helps to think about how many times Thomas Edison failed at his experiments before he got it right, and the light bulb went on.

Amongst all the hard and difficult experiences of the past 30 years, one truth remains, and that it has prepared me to serve. Those years of sadness and struggling with my strange inability to love my self, has finally come to pass. Here I am, a result of God's grace, moment by moment.

I have struggled to understand why I had to go through those pains while I was growing up and wondered if every child had to deal with such things. I am now beginning to see why it was allowed to happen and I really hope that I learned my lessons well. So that beginning this year, I won't have to repeat the same mistakes and I can finally be truly happy without apologies.

God's grace has seen me through especially when I felt my heart would burst and I just couldn't go on, wondering when all those misery will end... It is coming to an end. The struggle with self-defeating thoughts are now being replaced with God's words of truth. And the issues of the past are being solved and let go. There have been lots of breakthroughs in the past years. But I feel that today, more than ever, I am starting to feel really free!

It's been an uphill climb from that place of sadness and loneliness. I truly felt like a pearl being molded. Hoping that I can finally become the pearl God wants me to be. My name actually means pearl, what do you know! and most people celebrate 30 years as a pearl year. I do feel like a pearl blessed with grace.

Life for me begins at 30. And I pray for a hope-filled, loving year ahead! May God's will be done in me and through me. Still, there is much preparation to be done, to be able to give the best of my self to others. But I have hope because I have a big God, no matter how fragile and small I am. I can only be grateful for God's appointed moments. That no matter how weak I am, He continues to love me and use me for His purposes.

Thank you dear Father. I look forward to another grace-filled year up ahead. Despite my fears, I will start walking forward now, trusting in Your love for me and for all of us. Looking forward to a future full of hope and joy!

(Photo courtesy of Instituto Cervantes in Manila)